Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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