i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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