remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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