Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Randomize
