I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
im holly from the hills drunk
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
They are going to name an STD after you.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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