I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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