I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
