i think i have two assholes
im holly from the hills drunk
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
