we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
It's never too late to be topless.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.