I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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