is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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