I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
