You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
