textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
