woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
People in love make me want to vomit
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
