I'm so fucking centered right now
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
