So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
