I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
