She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
