I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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