hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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