The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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