and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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