Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
