is your mom at the bar?
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
