Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
