Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
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my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
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I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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