One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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