So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
