Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
