Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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