A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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