You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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