peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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