my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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