I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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