A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
