no, he came in my armpit
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
