threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
