just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
