I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
