3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
