he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
