i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
