Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I am one with the molecules
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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