she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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