i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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