Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
