You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
