I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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