Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
