i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
