Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Randomize