yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just made out with a guy for $7.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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