this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
