I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
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As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
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Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
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