im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
