My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
