So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
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